grief, Uncategorized

A Time to Mourn

My life has forever changed. Tom, my wonderful husband and best friend, died on January 16, 2026. It’s really difficult to write those words. Honestly, I can barely put my thoughts together to write something. I have not written a blog for almost a year, and I was not writing much once Tom got worse a few years ago. I’m a little rusty.

To those of you who prayed for Tom over these last five years, thank you. I am so grateful for the many prayers and concern over Tom’s health. We felt every prayer. From the bottom of my heart, thank you!

My world has been turned upside down. I’m navigating new waters with the Lord. I take it one day at a time. This is the greatest loss of my life. I have to rely on God for everything, and He is faithful to me. Thank you again for your support.

Here is what I shared at Tom’s memorial. It’s all a blur, but this just scratches the surface of my heart:

For the past thirty years I have been very blessed to be married to Tom. God brought us together and used my husband to change my life. I am the person I am today because of Tom. He brought out the best in me and I’d like to think I brought out the best in him. That’s how marriage is supposed to work. We took our marriage seriously and stuck together no matter what, by God’s grace. We genuinely loved each other and enjoyed each other’s company and have so many happy memories together. He was a wonderful husband.

He was the best dad to our boys. He made everything fun for them. A simple trip to the store was turned into an adventure. Tom also disciplined them, and never let them show me disrespect. He was in awe of them and loved them deeply, sacrificially. He was so good about helping them through their problems. Tom was a great example of how to be a Godly man and lead our family. 

Tom was incredibly handy and if he didn’t know how to do something he’d usually get a book and figure it out. He’d often say, “It’s not rocket science, it’s not brain surgery,”. I saw my husband do so many crazy things like set a trap for a raccoon that was in our attic and then he blared music all day to scare the thing out and it worked. He took down several large trees over the different homes we owned, pulling down massive branches. When our sewer line busted in our backyard, Tom was in the backyard digging to find the line and repair it himself. Thank God I convinced him to have a plumber do the repair for that. He’d always come up with creative ways to fix things. He loved the challenge. 

Tom had a great sense of humor. Very sarcastic and dry. He loved those cheesy dad jokes. We laughed a lot which can really help get you through hard times. We were even laughing at our last ER trip since we were stuck in a hallway on a gurney at 2:00 in the morning. Even then he put me first and let me lay on the gurney because I was falling asleep. Truly humble until the end. 

Tom was a fighter. He never stopped fighting for his life because he loved us so much. He didn’t complain, he just took the pain, or diagnosis, or whatever terrible thing was thrown at him. He just kept going. He’s the most determined person I’ve ever known. Tom started dialysis just over a year ago. A typical dialysis day for him went like this: he’d leave our house around noon and start dialysis by one which takes about 4 ½ hours total. (If you don’t know anything about dialysis, you’re hooked up to a machine that slowly removes all of your blood, cleans it, and puts it back in your body. It’s very hard on your body and causes extreme fatigue.) After dialysis he’d go straight to work and then get home around 7:00 AM. Tom would push through and go and go and go.

Tom’s life ended on a high note. Tom trusted God. He was hopeful. He was back in school pursuing his Masters in American Military History, which he was enjoying. He believed the Lord would heal him, and He did, just not the way we wanted. In God’s great mercy He took Tom home. I wanted another 30 years together, but God set Tom free. That gives me peace knowing Tom is no longer suffering and fighting for his life. 

We were one flesh just as God designed marriage. If Tom was hurting I was hurting, and the same went for me. The day Tom left this earth half of me was torn away, the best half. But death is not the end.

The infamous 19th century evangelist D.L. Moody is quoted as saying, “Some day you will read in the papers that D. L. Moody of East Northfield, is dead. Don’t you believe a word of it! At that moment I shall be more alive than I am now”.

Tom is alive with Jesus. His time on this earth is over but he is more alive than ever. That is the hope that every Christian has. 

We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, Hebrews 6:19

God promises us eternal life for those who have placed their faith in Jesus Christ.

And this is the promise that He Himself made to us: eternal life. 1 John 2:25

Tom was a very special person that I got the privilege to share 30 years of my life with. I’ll never be the same and I’ll love him forever and I’ll miss him until we meet again. Tom is in the best place he could be, Heaven, with Jesus for all of eternity.

Well done Tom, good and faithful servant.

 See you soon. I love you.

And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying: “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man, and He will dwell with them. They will be His people, and God Himself will be with them as their God.

‘He will wipe away every tear from their eyes,’ and there will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the former things have passed away.”

And the One seated on the throne said, “Behold, I make all things new.” Then He said, “Write this down, for these words are faithful and true.”

Revelation 21:3-5

Marriage

30 Years

Three decades of life together. Where does the time go? It flies faster than I can ever catch it, and hold it, and try desperately to stop it. I wouldn’t change any of it. The beautiful moments, exhausting struggles, the victories, the defeats, the mundane. All of it has made this lovely tapestry of thirty years together.

Have you ever looked at the back of a tapestry? It’s a mess of strings sticking out with no clear picture of what the artist is creating. You can’t tell for sure what exactly is going on just by looking at the back of a tapestry. But serious work is being done in the back, the part no one will ever see. Needle and thread poke through back and forth making a giant mess. Flip it over to the front and it all begins to make sense as a magnificent work takes shape.

It’s like marriage. There are messy painful parts. There are trials, tribulations, and trouble. There are also joyous times filled with fun, laughter, and sheer happiness. There are ups, downs, and sideways threads that come through that tapestry and sometimes you can’t see it. You don’t see the big picture. But oh wow, when the artist lets you take a peek at the work in progress a stunning design is revealed.

God brought Tom and I together in the covenant of marriage. He wove together our strengths and weaknesses to make a unique tapestry. It’s our story that God uses to make this beautiful piece of art. It’s our life together covered by God’s grace. He is still writing our story as he weaves more colors into our tapestry. Sure it can get messy, but the Master Artist is creating a masterpiece.

Happy 30th Anniversary, Tom! I love you with all my heart.

And I love all of you.

Meghan

Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate. Mark 10:9

Trials

Pressure

There’s a tiny deejay in my head playing random songs whenever he feels like it, or when my memory gets triggered. “Under Pressure” by David Bowie and Queen has been popping into my head for months now. My husband and I are in a very difficult season filled with so much uncertainty. When Tom is having a bad day because of kidney failure and dialysis, which are most days, my fears confront me and I feel the squeeze of life and bam, “Under Pressure” is on repeat in my mind.

In those overwhelming moments I have a choice to make. Do I cave under the pressure and let it crush me? Or do I rest in God and let Him shape me? Let me tell ya, many times I want to hide and run away, but that’s not a good option. There is only one way out of this, walking right through it. One day at a time, one step at a time. This is a challenge for me. I get impatient, and want God to fix it all now. He is God, and I am not.

Pressure can be a good thing.

Diamonds are formed under intense heat and pressure about one hundred plus miles below the Earth’s surface. It takes high temperatures and high pressure to form diamond crystals from carbon. These diamonds were brought to the surface from volcanic eruptions a long time ago. All this extreme pressure and heat created something so stunningly beautiful and strong.

Every time the pressure is too great for me is an opportunity to go to God. The pressure of suffering is too much for me to handle on my own. If I want relief I must run to my Father. He is faithful to encourage me, strengthen me, and carry me. This extreme pressure is not meant to destroy me, it is meant to change me. God is shaping my faith and my character through the fire of suffering.

I would never ask God to sign me up for suffering. However, if I never dealt with adversity, I would never experience the goodness of God. I would just rely on myself and be a selfish, terrible person. God wants my heart and He is refining it. So I surrender to the pressure, as painful as that is at times. For my God is making me strong and beautiful in Him, like a diamond.

Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given to us. Romans 5:3-5, NIV

Are you under intense pressure right now? Is the weight of your problem crushing you? There is hope. God loves you and wants to help you. Cry out to Him. If you have not placed your faith in Jesus Christ, today would be a great day to change that. Do not give up.

Love you all,

Meghan

Food

Blueberry Muffins

Who doesn’t want a piece of cake for breakfast? That’s what a muffin is, and that is why I love them. This recipe was given to me many years ago by my mother-in-law. My family loves these moist, delicious muffins that can be customized to any type of muffin you like.

The original recipe uses regular milk but I use buttermilk. It adds to the flavor and texture. Use whatever milk you prefer. I have only made these muffins with regular cow’s milk or buttermilk (made from cow’s milk), so I can’t speak for the various non-dairy milks. I can attest to the effectiveness of the original recipe, and it’s good.

The crumb topping is my addition to these perfect little breads. It’s crunchy and sweet, adding a nice contrast to the softness of the muffin. It’s completely optional, but highly recommended. I usually make half with the topping. Customize the muffins with the fruit of your choice, or keep them plain. Have fun with this recipe.

Happy Eating!

I have set the LORD always before me. Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Psalm 16:8

Blueberry Muffins

Yield: 12 muffins

Ingredients 

1 egg

1/2 cup buttermilk

1/4 cup vegetable oil

1/2 cup sugar

2 tsp. baking powder

1/2 tsp. salt

1 1/2 cups flour

1 cup fresh blueberries

Instructions

  1. Preheat oven to 400°, line cupcake pan with paper liners.
  2. In a medium bowl beat the egg with a fork.
  3. Stir in the milk and oil.
  4. Stir in the sugar, baking powder, and salt.
  5. Add the flour and mix until just combined. Don’t over mix.
  6. Fold in the blueberries.
  7. Fill each cupcake liner with the batter.
  8. Bake for 18 to 20 minutes until golden brown. Check after 15 minutes.
  9. Let cool slightly. The muffins are best served warm.

Optional crumb topping:

yield: enough for 6 muffins

Ingredients

4 Tbsp. melted butter

1/3 cup brown sugar

1/2 tsp. cinnamon

2/3 cup plus 1 Tbsp. flour

  1. Melt butter in a small bowl.
  2. Stir in the brown sugar, cinnamon, and flour.
  3. Scoop topping on raw muffin batter before going into the oven.

Notes

Blueberries: Use frozen or fresh. Frozen blueberries will give blue streaks in the batter.

Milk: Regular milk works great, buttermilk is even better.

Fillings: It doesn’t have to be blueberries. Add bananas, chocolate chips, poppy seeds, or your favorite fruit.

Cook time: Every oven is different. Start checking the muffins after 15 minutes. Tops should be golden brown.

Photo credit: Meghan E. White

grief

No Fear of Death

A friendly woman smiled as I sat down next to her during church one Sunday several years ago. By the following week we were chummy and soon became friends. I noticed her fingers were bent up and she wore braces on her hands. It was from rheumatoid arthritis. Past surgeries where her bones were broken and reset were only temporary fixes, yet Hawah soldiered on.

She never complained, though she was in constant pain. Hawah would laugh about having her husband help her with her shoes or necklace, though she was always put together beautifully with matching hand bags, and jewelry. Her infectious smile was her most stunning accessory.

Beautiful, kind, strong, fun-loving, and easy going, are just a few of the many words to describe my friend, Hawah. She came to the United States from Sierra Leone as a teenager over forty years ago. This lovely faith-filled woman had a good life in America with her loving husband and two kids. Life was not always easy for Hawah especially when she battled colon cancer, though she came out on the other side victorious. Hawah’s physical pain and suffering never took away from her deep love of God.

I would think of Hawah when I was facing a challenge in my own life. What would Hawah do? She’d press on and not complain. I have no doubt she had hard days like all of us, but I never saw that side. I saw resilience, determination, and joy. These traits were called upon when the cancer came back with a vengeance as it spread through many parts of her body.

This warrior had a short battle with cancer that she could not win. She was not supposed to win this one. Hawah passed away in her sleep Monday night this last week. Hawah was not afraid to die. Why? Because she knew where she was going. She is now home with Jesus. No more pain. No more radiation. No more stinking cancer. She is free.

As Christians we say, “She went home to be with the Lord“. If you are not a Christian that may sound weird. Home for the Christian is Heaven. “But our citizenship is in heaven, and we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ,” Philippians 3:20, BSB.

Home is not here on Earth. This is all temporary for everyone. We will all die. That’s the only way out of this place. This is all part of God’s plan for humanity. But Heaven is only for those who have placed their faith in Jesus Christ.

There are two things you can count on in life, death and taxes. We can thank Benjamin Franklin for such wisdom. I would argue that taxes can be avoided, though with penalties like prison, but death cannot be avoided for any of us. Are you afraid to die? Do you know where you are going when death comes? You don’t have to be afraid. Like my friend Hawah, you can have peace. Jesus is the only way to the Father. Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me, John 14:6, BSB.

Hawah had no fear of death. She is now home with the Lord. Hallelujah! See you soon my friend.

We are confident, then, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord. 2 Corinthians 5:8

Love you all,

Meghan

Photo credit: Meghan E. White