Tag: don't stop believing

sickness, Trials

I Can Do Hard Things

meghanewhite

I did something I have never done before in my entire life, I mowed the lawn. I know, you are probably not very impressed. My husband started to mow the lawn last weekend when he had to stop from a nasty allergic reaction to the various weeds growing in our front yard. I knew it was time to step in and help the guy out. After all, he’s in kidney failure and on dialysis, it’s the least I could do.

Once I started pushing the mower something odd happened, I felt a sense of accomplishment. I actually liked mowing the lawn or weed patch, whatever you want to call it. I am a doer. I like to achieve and accomplish and get stuff done. Lately, my life is about not being able to accomplish very much. Our days are a repeat of dialysis and the discomfort and stress of that, Tom working nights, and somehow surviving each day with the constant threat of Tom possibly ending up back in the hospital, or worse, hanging over our heads. 

There is very little I can control in my life right now, and the future is filled with so many unknowns and potentially terrifying possibilities. I have to focus on what is in front of me each day. The faith test is very real for us. So when I pushed that mower and saw results it was satisfying. I enjoyed it so much that I decided to punish myself again by using the edger. That too was a first for me and a much bigger job. The high temperatures added to the challenge. 

As I was mowing and edging, like a boss, all I could see was a glaring metaphor of my life. Dead spots after months of neglect. Weeds all over the place. Yet somehow, the lawn is still alive and in some areas thriving. My patchy front yard is a vivid image of Tom and I. We’re still here, it’s just going to take a lot of fertilizer and weed killer to get us back to how we should be, healthy and thriving, specifically Tom.

I am learning that I can endure in a whole new way I didn’t think was possible. I am learning that I can do hard things, like mow the lawn or something even harder, keep believing for healing. I can truly do all things through Christ who strengthens me, especially the things I really don’t want to do. I have to rely on Jesus to give me strength each day to do what I need to do and He has been nothing but faithful. He carries me when I am too tired to take another step. He lifts me when I fall. He holds me close when I am afraid. He provides every single thing I need.

God continues to carry us in this trial and equips us to do hard things. Whatever hard thing you are facing, God will help you.

So do not fear, for I am with you;
    do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Isaiah 41:10

Love you all,

Meghan

Carolina Jessamine photo credit: Meghan E. White 

Perseverance

The Struggle Bus Is Real

meghanewhite

Bolton bus
Bolton bus by Alan Murray-Rust is licensed under CC-BY-SA 2.0

I was waiting for a bus, a party bus. It was going to be lovely. The destinations were fun, happy, relaxing places. No stress or troubles were in sight. My bag was packed ready to go as I sat at the bus stop. Several buses came whizzing by, but they didn’t slow down. Surely my party bus would arrive soon.

Finally, my moment had come. A bus pulled up right in front of me, yet it didn’t look at all like the party bus I was waiting for. This bus was kind of odd looking and definitely not fun at all. The door opened and the driver motioned for me to get in. I hesitantly stepped up and found a place to sit. The seats were worn out and torn. The bus smelled funny, and there was no one else on board. Oh no! It was the struggle bus.

I’ve been riding the struggle bus for some time now, even though it was supposed to be just a short ride. The trials keep piling on with each roll of the bus wheels. There is nothing special about me or my troubles. I am not unique in going through hard times. It happens to all of us. I wouldn’t choose the struggle bus, but this is where I need to be right now.

I am learning to accept where I am as I wait for God to answer my prayers and teach me what I need to know. There is plenty for me to do as I’m riding along. My faith is being stretched and tested. Each day I say, “I trust You, Lord”, when I can’t see anything in front of me. He knows every detail and wants me to trust Him, and I do.

The struggle bus is not so bad. Though there are days, and times that are gut wrenching. The party bus is my kind of ride, but that’s not for me today. In the struggle is where God is etching away my pride, fear, and doubt and replacing it with humility, faith, and perseverance. I have to rely on Him to get through, because He will bring me to the other side better, with a little less of me, and more of Him.

If I only rode the party bus my faith would never grow. I wouldn’t need Jesus. I would be a terrible, soulless person. It is in the struggle that faith muscles get a much needed work out. It’s not pretty, but the results are amazing. So today I’m enjoying my ride. It can get bumpy, and I may get car sick, but I will make it by the grace of God.

Enjoy the ride.

Love you all,

Meghan

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:2-4, NIV 

Family, Trials

There’s Always Hope

meghanewhite

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The first morning glory of the season greeted me bright and early today in the garden. It’s fun to grow a new variety like these gorgeous pinkish purple ones. Tom gave me these seeds among others at Christmas. I love watching seeds sprout, grow, and eventually flower. It’s very rewarding.

A new flower gives me hope. My garden is no longer a brown desolate wasteland. Now it’s full of new life. Vegetables, herbs, flowers, and fruit are thriving. I didn’t have much hope of planting anything just a few months ago. I didn’t think I would have a garden this year with Tom’s hospitalization and health issues.

God brings hope and blessings in the midst of trials.

Since you all have graciously followed along on our journey of my car accident, and Tom’s hospitalization, and a lot of unknowns, I wanted to give you a little update. Tom had his hernia surgeries yesterday. I sat in the surgery prep area with Tom as nurses came and went asking questions, taking his vitals, and getting him ready.

The anesthesiologist came in, looked over Tom’s blood draw results, and was very concerned with his kidney function. He let us know that Tom is high risk, and rattled off a bunch of potential really horrific things that can happen going under anesthetic and having surgery. My heart sank. Fear whispered in my ear, “something bad is going to happen to Tom“.

Tom was not worried and reassured me that he will be alright. I told fear to take a hike, like forever. The Holy Spirit said to me, “I’ve got Tom. Do not fear“. It was another faith test. I could not see the end result and I was told awful scary things. But God said, “Keep trusting Me“.

The surgeon stepped in the room and went over the anesthesiologist’s serious concerns and asked Tom what he wanted to do. Tom told him that he felt good, and healthy, and that he was ready. The surgery was a success and went better than the surgeon expected. That’s a big praise.

Tom came home last night. There are all sorts of tubes and pumps in his three large incisions. He’s in a lot of pain, no surprise there. He’s been very nauseous and thrown up several times. Sorry if that’s too much info. Gotta keep it real. You have to go through the hard ugly stuff to get to the good.

Today is a new day with new hope just waiting. New opportunities for God’s grace and mercy are here. I’m praying Tom will have less pain today on his path to healing. I’m still praying for his kidneys to completely recover.

The Lord can breathe new life into anything. What appears to be a lost cause can be fertile ground for new life, for hope.

We stand on The Rock. We trust God to completely heal Tom. Through the ups and downs God is faithful. Thank you so much for your prayers!

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13, NIV

Love you all,

Meghan

Trials

Keep Believing

meghanewhite

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This beautiful wisteria climbs along my backyard fence. It was in full bloom a week ago. I love the contrast of these stunning purple flowers against my brown backyard. The historic winter storm in Texas killed off most of our plants. I was so happy to see this gorgeous plant thriving.

It’s a picture of my life right now. We are smack dab in the middle of some hard things. Still waiting for answers on my husband’s health. Still waiting for complete healing. Still waiting for the catheter to be removed so my husband is no longer in constant pain. Yet we are being blessed by God every day during this entire ordeal.

When I look around, everything is brown. Will there be new life again Lord? Will you really heal Tom? Is this our future?

Wednesday of this week was awful. Tom had an appointment with the kidney doctor. It did not go as well as I was hoping and praying for. We have nicknamed the nephrologist Dr. Doom and Gloom. I met him once in the hospital and he’s not my favorite doctor. He’s a brilliant doctor and speaks honestly and that’s important, but he is not an optimistic person, and that’s bad.

Tom’s kidney function is still not good. The improvement has slowed down, almost stopped. That was not news I was ready for. It broke my heart. All I could see was brown. No signs of life. My heart was ripped in two. My hope was stomped on.

But God reminded me that Tom’s story is not done.

I smelled something so lovely. Wisteria gives off the most delightful fragrance. Because we had so many flowers the smell was powerful. I could smell the wisteria flowers over smoke during a fire we had in our fire bowl one night. You just could not stop the fragrance or cover it up.

In the middle of the trial, God’s beauty and blessings abound.

The love that has been poured out on us is overwhelming. Our church small group is incredible. They have given us countless meals, prayers, words of encouragement, and the most amazing Easter basket with a generous cash gift. Tom’s co-workers took up a large cash donation and they all signed a beautiful card with well wishes. Friends and family are praying for us and checking on us. My in-laws have been so supportive and generous. Our church has blessed us with so many prayers and a gift card from one of our pastors and his wife.

I could go on, and on with the many blessings we have received. That’s just how good God is.

I got a text on Wednesday night from my friend, and prayer partner, Roger. He is 78 years old and leads the prayer ministry at my church. We have prayed together for many things, and many people as we serve on the prayer team side by side. I respect him like a father and in some ways he is like a spiritual father to me. He reminded me to persevere. God bless Roger for that.

God bless the many friends and family who have sent an encouraging text at just the right time. I love all of you!

Yes, there are still a lot of unknowns. Still lots of waiting. But God is not done, and new growth is coming. So I will look past the brown and lifeless looking things to the beautiful. That’s where my Father resides.

I still believe in miracles. I will continue to trust God for complete healing of Tom. I will persevere by the power of the Holy Spirit in me. I will follow Jesus out of this. He is a way maker where there seems to be no way.

I am a very visual person and many times God speaks to me with pictures. When Tom was in the hospital I kept seeing Jesus walking on a tight rope over a huge jungle ravine. I could only see His back because He leads. I am to follow Him out and keep my eyes fixed on Him. Jesus is the way out.

I don’t always understand how God works but I trust Him. God is completely trustworthy.

Thank you for your prayers and love. It means so much to me!

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1, KJV

Love you all,

Meghan

Please send me your prayer requests anytime meghanewhiteauthor@gmail.com